Thusday Bible History

The following was sent to me by a friend. I needed a good laugh after a long day on the road and thought others would enjoy it also. This is a Thankful Thursday.

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,'
butI think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a
light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve
disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden
of Eden. I'm not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't
have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was
Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one
of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat, and put his family
and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they
said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than
his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for
some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports
coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston.&nb sp; Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the
evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These
plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel
Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten Commandments. These
include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the
Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say, but my Dad
uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just
thought of one more: Humor they father and they mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to
use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the
town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise
to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of
these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on
the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have
to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of
the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been
born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door!
Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I
was!')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst
one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just
washed his hands,instead.

Anyway, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went
up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is
foretold in the book of Revolution.